Everyone who has talked to me in the last little while has heard me talking about myself in such an insecure negative light that I don't even know who I am anymore. This has to change! ASAP! Only because I desire to be a confident happy peaceful loving person, and to do so I need a transformation.  I am doing The 12 week Gold's Gym Challenge. This is a huge step out of my comfort zone at this time in my life. I do want a physical transformation of sorts, but more so I want a mental and emotional transformation.  My insecurity has taken over in so many places of my life since my accident. I've I struggled with confidence before my accident but not anything like I deal with now. I have to get myself amped up to do things that used to be come natural and be second nature. For me this 12 weeks will be about getting tough, strong, mentally and emotionally allowing the feelings that will come. This is a self awareness challenge for me to  work my way to a place of satisfaction with the post accident me. Daily I will journal read scriptures as well as books that will fill my mind with peace and serenity, control and openness. I will document my food, and do occasional video blogs to show my mental emotional journey. This may seem like nonsense to some of you, and that's fine. But I do feel inspired to do this, and hope that I will be able to influence and help others to come back from a loss...Or to find themselves again.... Or to believe in themselves again... OR believe in themselves for the first time. We can do all things with the support of our Higher Power. Controlling our mental emotional and physical wellness allows that power to work more fully in our lives, and inevitably create miracles in our lives. I want to believe in myself again and I want you to believe in yourself. I will not be pushing any products to get gain, but I will share the products that I use.  Wanna Join me? I would love for anyone who wants to embark on this journey with me! We can be a support system together. I will be doing this through my public figure page on Facebook. https://www.facebook.com/JamieLambHilton?ref=hl  We can share thoughts and encouragement. I am scared, I will admit... but I'm digging deep.  Much Love :)

Thank you!!! xoxox

http://youtu.be/_W0LUVFVlkE

The talented author Jason Wright  writes an account of our accident. I love how he put this together! I want to be able to write like Him!!

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865563089/Former-Mrs-Idaho-inspires-and-lifts-after-near-death-tragedy.html?pg=all

Interview #4 The Doctors... and in my opinion the most thorough. (click the link, there are 3 different segments)

http://www.thedoctorstv.com/main/show_synopsis/1168?section=synopsis

Interview #3 Anderson Cooper

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-f5fkZOjcZ8

Interview # 2 Inside Edition

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkkMTWUyYa8

2 year ANNIVERSARY since my accident!! Here was our first interview....

http://www.today.com/video/today/49238269

Victim? or CONQUEROR?

Whenever you experience trauma... an accident, a diagnosis of disease, you've been cheated on, you've lost control of your finances, there is a massive shift that takes place. YES, can mean a full blown IDENTITY CRISIS~ I've been going through one for 1 1/2 years since my fall.  My intention in writing this is to help anyone who reads my blog and is going through any kind of dilemma, to recognize the confidence stripping power of adopting a "victim mentality", as suitable as it may seem. We received so much charity, thousands of prayers, cleaning of our house, meals, gifts for our children, kind words, garage sales in our medical bill behalf, lemonade stands and bake sales, etc. What an awe inspiring moment in our lives. I started to see myself, and my family, as somewhat of a "charity case". I remembered telling my husband Nick, "I'm scared to get well, we owe so much back to our family, friends, and community. HOW will we ever repay?" Also, I expained to Him, "If I get well, more will be expected of me, and what if I can't deliver?! I'm so scared. Right now people expect that I can't do anything. If they see me healing and getting better, back to my old self, they will expect that I can do EVERYTHING!... and I can't." Nicholas was majorly concerned.  "Jamie, this will thwart your healing." And  it would've. Luckily he helped me through this predicament, and I am 95% healed. It has caused me to ponder deeply about this "victim/fear mentality". Although at the time I was going through the devastation, I felt that staying the victim was my safest option, I mean we were over $150,000 in medical debt, I was half headless, my children and husband were traumatized beyond recognition, it seemed like a safe option to wallow and remain in this state.  The sympathy and empathy that we received was overwhelming, honestly, it touched us deeply. What was going to happen when the "over"- empathizing was over. It WAS scary and it seemed much safer, and comfortable to remain in my suffering state. But it WASN'T. In choosing to heal, and seeing that being the CONQUEROR is amazingly better than being and remaining a victim. I no longer need the scapegoat of my injury.  I recognize this victim mentality, and energy immediately now, in myself, when I slide back, and in others. I place NO judgement, but a strong understanding. In a sense, I now feel empathy, because I comprehend the deep sense of a loss of self. How am I changing and shifting my thoughts back to true and empowered thinking? I made a choice. No more was I going to rely on my accident as my identity. I broke free of the bounds and limits and seeming safety. Changing my mind, settling into my power to heal and change. This has given me the strength to press forward, and do things on my own that I didn't believe were possible. There is a peace and a power that you will experience as you step into your capabilities with confidence and responsibility. xo

Fighting that Ocean Wave?! How's That Working for Me?

Have you ever fought the ocean and won? Come on, sometime it will give up right, keep punching and sooner or later it will submit to you! Um, no, that's not going to happen. We get so stuck in a pattern of thinking and doing, that we are throwing punches at the waves of the grandiose sea. Controlling things, and manipulate things, thrashing about because we HAVE tomake things happen the way we just KNOW  they need to happen, upper cut, upper cut, only to be dashed to the ground with sand in our eyes. We fight the waves with all our might, until our arms feel puny and weak. Examples of our ideas might be like, "I NEED this job or there is no other way", or "I'm only going to eat water to lose weight",  "I can change that other person", "I have to control my partner or I will be alone", etc. So I'm exploring the opposite of control and manipulation. SURRENDER, SUBMIT, and ALLOW. To me surrender comes from a particular realization, a certain knowing and trusting in God, higher power, or whatever you choose to believe.... Something greater than ourselves. Believing that a power beyond our own is looking out for us, has our backs, and loves us. Why submission? It's basically a swear word in our society. It's an "oppressive" term in many contexts. But, submission to God is different. It does take some faith, believing in things you cannot see. But experimental submission to Him will make our faith in him grow, so we submit a little bit at a time, and see Him come through in miraculous ways once more. Encouraging more faith and action.

Our thoughts and actions are at times like a needle stuck on a record. Remember records ;)haha.  It would replay a word or sentence, replay, replay and never change until it is adjusted, then it moves forward with a beautiful melody. ADJUSTMENT being the key. I'm sure if the needle could speak it would be like, "Hey!! What are you doing?! Stop touching me! I'm on a mission don't distract me!!" Reality check... we are a broken record sometimes. Banging our heads on walls continuously in an effort to make things happen the way and ONLY way we believe will work. Realize truth, submitting our wills or control is adjusting to progress. My record has been sitting on a scratch. Today I am realizing this, and ready to make the "adjustment". I feel like I have been given so much, and have a mission to share and lift others. "How" is where I've been stuck. The vision in my mind is a little different than what is coming to pass. Submission and allowing God to do His work in me, however he chooses, is my KEY adjustment. I cannot force my future. Doing all I can toward what I feel to be best is my part. God is preparing the rest. Whatever situation you may be in I hope you will try this faith thing with me. Letting go of the control, and "know-it-all" attitude. EGO.... hard to let go of.

So how do we do it? Well it's important to understand "life IS motion".  The ocean is symbolic of our journey in life. The ocean ebbs and flows, recedes then oversteps normal boundaries. Surrendering to me is best explained with this visual. Set our intention of what we want to create for others as well as our own greatest good. Then after we are fixed on intention then we allow the motion. The focus as to HOW this will completely be accomplished is not fully up to us. Recognizing this will create a sense of peace. It's like getting beyond the boisterous waves, and arms wide as you float where the current takes you.  We are liquid to the whims of the "how", and that's Ok. I am realizing being liquid isn't a bad thing. Liquid is pliable and moves where a master puts it to motion. Our part is to be aware, and alert to notice the opportunities, how to's, being vigilant to other's who may be stuck in a whirlpool and need our help.  Watching for the whale's back that will carry us. He IS MY  "HOW".

Releasing the luxury of Complacency... it is no luxury at all.

My dear friends. Wow, it has been a long time since I've touched base. It has definitely been a continued roller coaster, but I feel like I'm on a rise above the "fog". Right now at this moment I am feeling so much hope and excitement. Mentalities that I have changed have been focused around not being a victim of my accident and the changes that have taken place. I realized that I'm leaning on my accident for fear of being expected to be the "old" Jamie. My husband and I have had extensive conversations around the idea of giving myself the benefit of the doubt, and not worrying about the over expectation of others. This is so liberating! I can be me, the real me, the new me, and be OK with me! I've realized a gigantic part of me has stopped living and I am engaging DAILY to push my personal boundaries. This is a habit I want to form. We went on a day family trip to a mountain beach on the river, a fam favorite. I was like a dead fish. Everything was dangerous and I wasn't involved whatsoever. We left with me feeling under stimulated and sad that my children weren't able to play with their "old" mom. Then the epiphany... if I continue with these habits of staying comfortable, by next year I might be staying in the car, watching through the windshield! NO! Not going to happen. So everyday I'm in a new habit...doing nothing dangerous, but not sitting snug and warm in my zone of complacency.

Our big day... releasing all the bad stuff...

Car troubles didn't hold us back... we stayed here close by.. instead of going to "Hell's Canyon" we went to "LUCKY Peak Reservoir". It was very windy blowing our balloons everywhere, so we came down a ways to the river.  The ceremony of releasing our fears, through the notes on our balloons began. It was touching and cleansing. The kids released "my black eye, my tube in my mouth, the vibe of everyone at the hospital (fear), the condition I was in, worry, etc." Nick said, "Letting go of it all, just moving on". I released my fear of "normal safe activities, as well as my fear of succeeding again, self-doubt and confidence, sadness, fear, worry, being let down...letting it go to once again live my life to the fullest." :) It was a great experience for us as a family. Although all of these things are not literally contained in the balloons we felt the symbol of this act was significant. Watching my family as they gazed on the balloons was heart warming to me. We kept saying.... "There it goes..."  it felt good to let it go. Then we played... skipped rocks, threw in the line, and fished as a family again. It was so cool to see Nick back doing what he loves, pinching a worm, baiting his hook, and loving every minute.

The night before, I made a thank-you sign, and reflected on the thousands of people who stepped in to ease our burdens through this year. Writing names of people who prayed for us, lifted us, cleaned for us, cooked for us, cheered for us, did fundraisers for us, blogged for us, the list went on and on. Interestingly, the song "You Raise Me Up" by Josh Groban was blazing loud. My tears kept falling on my cute butterfly sign, and another name would be wetted. My heart was so full, it could've burst. Appreciation is an understatement. Although the sign is full of names, I know that this isn't a 10th of the people who effected our lives this year... for the better. Thank you SINCERELY with ALL of my heart.

Nick had to get back to work, so we headed home. I stayed home with the kids, we just played and had fun. That night Nick took us to my favorite restaurant Sawadee Thai. We laughed and enjoyed ourselves. At 7:20 we recognized this was the exact time a year ago that my accident happened. Everyone around the table just smiled. We all knew this year did not kill us. We are victors. Cheers!

PS If anyone is interested in what Idaho Power has done to improve the safety of the culvert... here is a pic!

Car trouble...

Woke up with car trouble. Not going to chance the 6hour drive there and back. So, we're letting the kiddos sleep a couple more hours, then we will fish and have our celebration locally. No troubles will stop us ;)

One Year Celebration

We made it. ONE YEAR!! Today has been quite solemn and surreal. Every moment of my day I've been thinking.. "last year I was... doing this and doing that getting ready for my trip to Hell's Canyon. I was cooking chicken and cutting vegetables, packing up the food, stuffing the cooler, grabbing my comfy pillow, camera.. I couldn't forget that! I needed photos of my Man and his gigantic salmon. Naively and might I say awesomely ready for an incredible, fun filled adventure. Actually at times I've felt through this year like I was foolish and careless to throw so much caution to the wind. CAUTION was always my motto, and the last couple of years I have broke out of my cage of so much fear. What happened happened. Am I better off today because of it. Yes. I have been humbled and no matter where I go in this life, I hope to ALWAYS have this lesson burned into my skull... and belly... I am the dust of the earth. But I am magnified from this experience. Thank you so much for the endless love, relief, donations, and prayers. Who knew fishing was an extreme sport?! Surprise! The Hilton family will forever be changed... but for the better.  Tomorrow we will revisit the very spot from which I fell. Tonight each of my children as well as Nick and I wrote on slips of paper what we want to "let go" of from this year, and accident. We've fastened them to balloons and will release them literally as well as figuratively. This is a symbol to us. I am excited!

I Take My Hair Off To You...

"When are you going to cut your hair?!?" Has been the most frequently asked question, next to "so are you 100% healed?" Cutting of a woman's hair or loosing of a woman's hair can be a big deal..In Arizona,a sociological study found that people feel "you are your hair" Whether you agree with this or not, there are many that feel this way. It creates an identity, a security, and a way of life crisis, when something is forcing you to lose or change your hair. Ask most people in your circle of friends, and they would be terrified to meet you at the salon and chop! Even though it grows back, many women, think they are not strong enough to handle a change. I was one of them. But my reasons for keeping my hair on the left side, and A Renewed Image keeping me in extensions as well as a topper go deeper than a follicle. As many of us are prepping to celebrate our war hero's and ALL military, I have loved the reflection of so many TV shows about them. I solute them, and am SO grateful for their service. Last week before the "cutting of the hair" I was on a treadmill reading the subtitles to a talk show about war heros. There was a gentleman on there who has PTSD (post traumatic stress syndrome) he said something extremely prophetic to me. "The man who I was, died on the battlefield. I am a new man, a different man. That man is literally gone, dead to me". Oh my, this made me so sad for him, but I could REALLY empathize with him. The girl I was pre-accident, is different than the girl I am today. In SO MANY ways I miss her, and long to integrate many of her good traits into who I am now. It is a process, and I am working through it. Many of you will see yourself in his words as well. Every season of your life, is a "new life".... a married life, a single life, a mother, a father, an empty nesting life, etc. We are continuously morphing into different people. I consider this one of my transformations. I have GRASPED onto my hair, because I am GRASPING onto the old me. I have not been ready to move on and let her go. My hair was a symbol. Admittedly, I cried desperately in the shower as I removed the extensions, and afterward, into the night. Not because it is my "HAIR" because it is the me I knew and recognized that would be changing once more. Letting out the emotion was really good for me. My toes touched the hot water, and it all began. The extensions came out easily, the glue and adhesive, not so easily. Nick once more was tending to my head, olive oil and a comb, then back with my head in the sink, rinsing this time with dish soap to degrease my hair. My Honey and I showed up at the hair appointment, and were greeted by 2 of my best friends, Kim and Kaley. We walked into the salon like an entourage. I checked in at the front desk, and she couldn't find me. She searched the system, I was no where to be found. IMMEDIATE tears were streaming without my control and power. "SERIOUSLY?!?" Would I have the courage to come back another day? They reconciled with me, and got us in 30 minutes later. phew... I put my hair in the hands of the stylist. With all confidence in the hand with the scissors, it began. First the cutting of the pony tail, you know, the one that has been with me throughout my fall, trauma, hospital, surgeries, the one that my little girl played with and would run through her little chubby fingers. Please don't roll your eyes. I know it is "just hair" but literally it was an accumulation of my year. Then the color doused all over, then the cut began. Holding it together, I had faith that I would be fine, and would like the new look, and the new me. So, here it is.... I like it a lot... (as Lloyd Christmas would say) It is new, it is scary, and truthfully I have not washed it since it was cut on Friday. I hope I can style it:) Here is to a new day, a new life, and a new look! I stood on the ledge and jumped once more....

Traumas Faces

Dear Friends.. I have not blogged for awhile because I've wondered if everyone is tired of hearing about ME and MY journey. Blogging has started to feel a little narcassistic. But I spoke with a friend that gave me a different perspective. She has never been through what she deemed a "massive" trauma, but she said she could relate to my struggles, and learned from what I'm going through. So here comes another blog post. This ONE year anniversary is very reflective and humbling. I was speaking with another girlfriend of mine who said she has been having strange upheavals of emotion about my accident as we come upon June 6th. She said,"you must be experiencing some of the same feelings." Yes. I am strangely sad and grateful at the same time. At times, admittedly though I feel ashamed for feeling sad, because I have been so greatly blessed. I've learned that it's OK to feel this emotion. There was a website that I was reading about responses to trauma, and the triggering of monthly or annual anniversaries of the trial. Every one of us have experienced "trauma" whether a fall, caring for a person after a massive fall :( my poor hubby, divorce, a spouse with a porn problem, addictions, finding out about sexual abuse of one of your children, and as we saw last week in Oklahoma a TORNADO, or other natural disaster, the list could go on and on. Human emotion surfacing from these experiences is normal. Possible effects... 1) Reexperiencing the Trauma, Flashbacks,nightmares, insomnia,intense response to reminders of the trauma. You may also experience strong feelings when faced with a monthly or annual anniversary of the traumatic event 2) Numbing of emotions 3) Increased awakening and stimulation... ie: irritability, outbursts, knot in stomach 4) Effects on beliefs, attitudes, and sense of self.. ie: I'm not safe, cynicism, sense of betrayal, etc. Best advise for ALL of us: * may have an intense need to discuss the trauma * strive to identify "triggers" that make you relive the experience. * write down memories, keep a journal... blog :) * strive to not overly isolate yourself from others. * At some point in your recovery, it may feel important for you to revisit the scene of the traumatic event (planning this with my husband and kids at my year) * Take time to learn and practice muscle relaxation, imagery and breathing skills to help calm yourself I hope this helps someone. This has helped me to see how "normal" I am. We are likely to bounce back and forth between periods during which you relive the trauma and other periods during which you are benumbed of feeling and avoidant of any thought or reminder of the traumatic event. This is entirely normal. Everything is going to be ok.

OFF to California... THE DOCTORS

The producers were so nice and respectful. It was surreal to be at NBC studios. They kept telling us we might see Chevy Chase walking around, he filmed next door. But UNFORTUNATELY I didn't spot him. This show was so touching to me. I don't remember a lot about it, but I know that Nick and I are a team. He brought me through this experience, and helped me to have the confidence to do this show. You'll notice at the end Dr. Travis asks what our secret is to being BFF's. They edited out several minutes of us talking about our relationship :( Then he had asked me about how my view of my circumstances effected my outcome, and I tell the "hammer" analogy. Anyways, I wish we had those couple of minutes, to remember what Nick said.

Then to round off NY....Anderson Cooper

Then... Anderson Cooper... he is super sweet and handsome in real life.. and Bethany... bless her soul.

Inside Edition

After the Today Show we were wisked off to INSIDE EDITION. I love how each of the broadcasts pull out different details. PS behind the scenes my kids are in the room climbing under chairs and pulling out plugs. My sweethearts were getting a little tired :)

Media Blitz begins... TODAY SHOW

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

New York for the family...I don't remember much about this trip. I was only 3 months out since my skull was put back. (words you never think you will say ;)I'm posting this show today then other's next week..

Jason Wright's inspired words about us...thank you.

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865563089/Former-Mrs-Idaho-inspires-and-lifts-after-near-death-tragedy.html?pg=all